Let's fuck Cersei
by Failing to be funny
Summary: Spoilers!Don't read if you are not caught up...or do it I do not really e story is mostly humorous but also with much sexual content,I guess you could call it a sexmedy is there such a word? Whatever, I'm sure there is something similar. It's my first story here and it's gonna be in continuations.I'd really appreciate if you review and let me know if you like it.Enjoy!
1. You are a wizard Harry

It was one of many boring afternoons when the greatest event of my life happened. I was sitting on my computer watching cat videos, 'there are so many nice looking pussies out there!'' I thought. I then stood up and went to empty my full, thanks to the beer that I was drinking, barrel that every human has on the lower part of is body. Everything went as planed, the prior content of the barrel was on it's way to the ocean and I was washing my hands using a weird green liquid soap that resembled wild fire. It was then when I heard something, I wiped my hands to a towel that was hanging from the wall and quickly exited the bathroom, then I realized where the sound came from. It was my chair that was crackling under the weight of no one else than the duble R himself. I surprised asked him what he was doing there.

'' You are a wizard Harry!'' MR. Martin replied me and laugh.

I chuckled and asked him again. ''Seriously what are you doing here?''

'' I noticed that you are a big fun of my work, so I decided to reward you!''

'' Really me?'' I asked him in disbelief.

'' Yes...why not you?'' he wondered.

'' I've only seen the show, I've hardly ever read any parts of your books!''

'' Oh,don't worry about this! You're a big enough fan to be rewarded anyway!''

'' Really?''

''Yes!''

'' Are you sure?''

''YES!""

I stared at him for a few moments and then proceeded to ask ''...but why me''?

'' Because you need a stupid plot device to ender the Game of Thrones universe so you can continue writing this stupid fanfiction! I'm a writer I know this shit! Quite lazy writing by the way...''

Damn it he was right...'' I'll bite it!'' I said.

'' Praise the seven he finally stopped asking questions!''

''How you gonna put me in the Game of Thrones universe?'' I asked him.

'' Here we go with the questions again...at least this one is reasonable!'' He proclaimed after rolling his eyes.'' Remember the first words I told you?"'

''You are a wizard Harry?''

''Yes, you are not!''

'' I already knew that! Of course I'm not a wizard!''

'' But I am!'' Mr.. Martin said and smiled.

'' You are a wizard?'' I dazedly wondered.

'' Do you even pay any attention when I speak? Now tell me what you wanna do on Westeros? You have one wish!''

'' You are a genie now? If so why don't I have three wishes?''

'' Will you ever stop with the questions? Or you are just trying to make the two people that are still reading to leave?''

''Ok,ok...one wish...anything?''

''Yes god damn it! YES! Whatever you want! You wanna be a man of the night's watch and get vioently slaughtered by the white walkers? Done! Wanna be an Unsolied and die from an urethra infection? Done! Just tell me what you want!''

I had a feeling that he was starting to loose his temper so I proceeded to answer him.

'' I wanna fuck Cercei!'' I said so fast that it almost sounded like one word.

R.R. Marting looked at me. ''... Reasonable! I can't make her wanna fuck you but I can take you to KIng's Landing and... I'm sure you'll find a way!'' His offer sounded good, I at least would have a chance...

''Take me to King's Landing!'' I said.'' Oh! Something last, can she have the long hair? I like her more like that...''

'' Whatever...if You gonna fuck Cercei let's fuck the Continuity too... Your may consider your wish granted!'' He then stood up, took his hat off and grabbed a handful of fairy dust out of it.

'' That's why he ever takes it off!'' I thought.

He then blew of the dust all over me. I started getting dizzy, everything around me started getting blurry and then darkness covered everything. I couldn't see a thing. I couldn't feel a thing.I couldn't hear a thing...Wait! Maybe I could hear something! It was the soft sound of the later I felt the wind on my face, then I heard an other familiar sound. It was the sea! I could hear the sea! I could feel the sea on my legs. A beach!That's it I was on a beach! The dizziness stopped and I realized my eyes were closed. I took a deep breath and opened my eyes. I took a deep breath and woke up.


	2. Ser Stoner of Missouri

I woke up on a beach laying on the sand, my legs were half way in the water and my trousers were soaking wet. I rubbed my face to remove the sand that had stuck on it and proceeded to stand up, it was then when I saw it. The red keep was rising over the beach, it was standing there on the top of the cliff just like in the TV show. I took a look on my clothes, I wasn't anymore wearing the t-shirt and jeans that I had on when blew his dust all over me. The clothes I was wearing were medieval, a dark red shirt with golden button, tight black trousers and a pair of brown boots, I also was wearing a golden chain around my neck and golden rings on my fingers they looked rather expensive. All of my clothes looked expensive, like I was someone rich or royalty. I'd really look great if I didn't look like I had just stranded on the coast, wait... That was it! George R.R. Martin had not just entered me in the world of Game of Thrones but in the plot too! He made it easier for me to make up a story and explain who I was! My thoughts were cut short by the galloping of a horse. I looked towards the direction the galloping was coming from, there on the lower top of the cliff a horse showed up and the rider was a quite familiar figure. It was Bronn! He got off his horse and came closer on foot.

''Oi you lad! Are you hurt?'' He shouted while walking toward me.

I froze. I didn't know what to say! ''...Ehm...Yeah!I Mean no! I'm fine!'' He took some more steps and standed on a distance of about five meters from me.

''What happened here?'' Bronn asked.

''I was...Fishing! My boat flipped over.'' I answered him.

'' Flipped over? There hardly are any waves...'' He didn't bite it...''You also don't look like a fisherman!'' he noticed.

''Yeah, I...I'm not. I was on a fishing trip...with my squire.'' He seemed to believe that.'' The poor boy got drowned!'' I added.

'Pity...''He murmured while looking at the sea,he bite it! '' You're a knight?'' He asked and took a step closer.

'' Yeah I'm Ser...'' I hadn't thought of a name! I had to think of something quickly! I took a few quick glances of what was around me. There was, water,sand, a few woods, some stones. Yes! Stones,that's it! 'I'm Ser Stoner!'' I proclaimed with momentarily proud until five seconds later I realized I was an idiot.

'' Ser Stoner... Of House?''

'' Of House Stoner... It's a new one.''

'' That explains why I've never heard of it. Where you come from Ser Stoner of the House Stoner?''

I had to think of something yet again...'' I'm coming from the far away island of Missouri!''

'' Missouri?'' He asked and razzed his right eyebrow.

''Ehm, it's on the south of Essos... Close to Astaport!''

''Never heard of it...'' He seemed reserved, I had to say something he'd easily believe, something he would like to believe...

'' You've never heard of the great gold mines of Missouri?'' The moment I said that I noticed a glance of light in his eyes.

'' Gold mines you said?'' He asked clearly interested.

''Not just regular gold mines! They have the finest gold on both Essos and Westeros!'' I said while removing my golden so chain he could see it. I held the chain on my hands and continued.

''There is gold as far as the eye can see and when you're a knight they give you as much as your heart desires!'' Bron was clearly really interested on the words that were coming out of my mouth, I had to take advantage of that. '' I can tell you more. I can tell you everything about the far away island of Missouri. I just gonna nee-'' He stopped me before I could finish my sentence.

'' You gonna need some dry clothes and somewhere to stay, am I right?''

'' Absolutely.'' I answered. Bronn turned his back to me and started walking towards his horse, I stood there looking at him.

'' You gonna come or you prefer to stay there waiting for the winter?'' I took a few quick steps to get caught up with him, we walked to his horse and got on grabbed the bridles and proclaimed.

''We ride to KIng's Landing Ser Stoner of Missouri!'' It was on that point when I started to like the sound of my title!


	3. Some more wine

A horse arrived on Kings Landing, a horse with two riders. The one on the front was Ser Bronn of the Blackwater, the one behind him was Ser Stoner of Missouri, that is me actually, but now that I am a Ser I shall refer to my self on third person! Actually no, I will not do that, it will be confusing...

Me and Bron passed the frond gate and crossed the capital on horse, we then passed a second gate, the gate of the red keep. After we entered the keep's courtyard we both got off the horse, Bronn told me to follow him after leaving his horse to the care of a squire. I followed him through numerous corridors and even more stairs until we reached his order a servant to bring me some dry clothes and some food. I changed to the similar on design but this time green-ish clothes and sat down to dine with him.

''That's a fine chamber!'' I remarked.

''It's good I do not complain...I was promised a castle but I haven't yet see a rock of it...'' He said while getting his cup full with wine.''So, why are you here?'.Damn it! I thought we had finished with those questions.

''I told you! Fishing trip.''

''Yeah, but...why here? Are there no fishes on Missouri?'' He asked and took a sip of wine.

''No, not really... only small ones.'' Did he suspect anything?

''And you wanna go for the big ones, don't you?'' He clearly did...

''Yeah like,ehm...Tuna! Tuna fish!'' Fuck this for sure sounded better in my head.

''What is Tuna fish?''

''It's like a fish but...a really...big one!''

''Why is it called tuna FISH?''

''What do you mean?''

''I mean I already know it's a fish! Why to add the word fish after the name? You don't fucking say salmon fish or mullet fish!''

''Yeah...actually I've thought of that too!''

''Alright I think we can cut the fish shit now, don't you think?'' Just when I thought we were going well... ''I don't care why you are here, you obviously have your reasons and you don't wanna speak about them. Fine, I don't give a fuck. The only thing I wanna know about is your golden island and how I get there!'' Well obviously he would have to take a plane if there was one.

''You are right. I'm not here for fishing, at least not with the literal meaning of the word. I think we can help each other, you tell me about some stuff I need to know and I give you an instant way to go to Missouri!'' I sounded so sure about myself, I am quite positive I did not give away the fact that I was dying on the thought of him just dragging his dager out and slitting my throat in a mater of seconds.

''What you wanna know about?'' He asked and finished his cup of wine.

''Cersei!'' I instantly said.

''The quin?'' He clearly was surprised.''What you wanna know about her?'' He asked clearly reserved.I for sure did not want to talk about her with him been completely sober.

''Let's have some more wine first!'' Bronn was not happy with my suggestion, he dragged his dager out of it's case and stuck it on my neck.

''You don't happen to be a spy, do you?'' He was not messing with me for sure, one wrong word and my life would be over. ''Ever heard the phrase, rich as a Lanister? You should know that am always with the best paying side!'' He said with his blade been just a bit of more pressure away of cutting my throat.

''I am the best paying side! Tell me what I want and I'll make sure that on Missouri you won't just be treated like a knight, but like a king!We pay all our debts unlike the Lanisters! On Missouri when you're promised a castle you get one!'' Bronn looked me on the eyes, he seemed to be thinking for a moment, he then removed his blade from my neck and placed it back in it's case. He sat back on his chair ,refiled his cup and asked:

''What you wanna know about the crazy bitch?''


	4. The golden shithole

What I wanna know about the crazy bitch, now that was a good question! I thought of many things I could ask him first, like where could I find her or where her chambers are or what is her favourite wine. The question I finally spoke out loud was a bit more bizarre or more of a mater of preference as I would say.

''Are her hair long?''

The question seemed strange to Bronn ''... Are you already drunk or something? Of course they are long!'' I smiled,Mr. double R had done it again! He made her hair long just as I asked him to do! For everyone on Westeros it was like she never got them cut!

''Sorry, the wine is a little stronger that what I'm used to. You know where her chambers are?''

''Maybe I do, why you wanna know that?''

''I'd...like to show her something...''I said and looked down to my pants. Bronn looked at me for a few seconds and then laughed.

''You can't be serious!'' My silence let him understand that I was not joking.'' You seriously wanna fuck her? You came all the way from that shithole called Missouri to fuck the queen?''

''From that full of gold shithole!'' I reminded him.

''There better be lot of golden shit there or the moment you get inside her I'll be there to make sure your cock stays in there forever!''

''Don't worry about that'' He seemed sceptical for a moment but then he spoke the words I wanted to hear.

''You know what? I'll fucking tell you where her chambers are! I don't even care if you wanna kill her instead of fucking her, I don't give a fuck! There is gonna be a war anyway, I won't be here to fight it! But first you gonna tell me how to go to Missouri!''

I had to think of something.I could point a spot on the map and tell him that Missouri is there, I was about to do this but then a better idea came to my mind. I took one of my rings off and gave it to him,then I told him:

'' Go to the port and find a sailor from Astaport, give him this ring and tell him ,One ring to rule them all, he'll then take you to Missouri.'' I know, I am a bloody genius!

'' How I know you are not lying'' He asked while putting the ring deep inside his pocket.

'' You don't'' I replied.

'' Her chambers are on the top of the tallest tower last 'll easily find it, there are always two gold-cloaks outside the door. She also always goes down to the throne room every morning and sits on the throne doing nothing like a crazy bitch she is. Other than that I never see her elsewhere.''

I stood up and walked towards the door, before leaving I looked back at Bronn and said

'' Thank you for your help Ser Bronn of the Blackwater.''

'' If you once in a million make it, give her some from me too! I always wanted to take that stupid expression off of her bitch face!'' I smiled and nodded as he raised his cup, then I Ser Stoner of Missouri stepped out of the room.

I walked through a long corridor to find myself at the gardens of the red keep, I crossed them and ended up on the edge of the keep's wall. Looking down I could see the Blackwater bay, looking up I could see the the keep's tallest tower.


	5. Tower of desire

Seen the tower aroused me,she probably was up there, possibly naked having a hot bath while drinking wine as she does every moment she is awake. I want to be inside her, I want to make her moan and scream, to wipe that bitchy expression off her face as Bronn had said. I want to bend her over the northern window of the tower and fuck her while looking down on the city.I want to bend her over the southern window of the tower and fuck her while looking down on the sea. I was lost on my thoughts, daydreaming about the things I wanted to do her, my feet brought me to the lower end of the tower. I looked up, from where I stood I could see the eastern window. ''Maybe I'll fuck her on that one too, giving a look at the city's walls'' I thought and smiled. I walked around the tower searching for the entrance , when I found it I realised getting to the top wouldn't be as easy as I thought. Two gold cloaks where standing outside the entrance, one normal sized and one taller than the door itself. ''The mountain!'' I thought, ''I'll never get pass him...''. I am sure that seen him at the door had made many other with ideas similar to mine give up but I had no intention to do so. I walked pass them and sat on a near by bench.I looked up, I was able to see the tower's western window there was something different about that window, I could see a figure in it, a figure with long golden hair,it was her!She was far away and I couldn't see her clear but it was her for sure, she was wearing black and looking down on the walls, she probably saw me but didn't give me any attention, I would make sure she would give me some soon...Some loud voices took my eyes away from her,they were coming from the lower part of the wall a few meters outside of the red keep area.

''My fishes you old bastard!'' A fisherman and an old tramp were fighting over a net full of big fishes. ''I'm gonna kill you and feed you to the sharks!'' the fisherman screamed. The normal sized gold cloak rolled his eyes and fast paced walked down the stairs to spilt them up,I was lucky but I still had to get pass the mountain,an idea came t my mind,I took off one of my golden rings and threw it inside the tower through the first floor's window, hearing the noise the mindless giant walked inside to check if someone had got in, that was my chance! I ran and entered the tower, the mountain was on the first floor looking for intruders, I took the chance and hid myself under the stairs, the mountain came stoming back down and regained his position outside the door, I got out of my hiding place and noiselessly climbed the stairs.

On my way to the top of the tower I met no one. The queen had gone so paranoid that she wasn't letting anyone else than herself to enter the tower not even servants, for once her madness had been proven helpful, my way to the top was with no problems. I have to admit that the stairs were quite tiresome, by the time I reached the eight floor I had to stop so I could catch my breath. I had four more floors till Cersei, four more floors till the bitch I wanted so bad. I looked out of the window, I could see the sea, the same sea I wanted to look at while fucking her, ''Of curse I won't just look at the sea.'' ,I thought,''I'll give her some attention too, I'll suck her firm tits and spank her ass, make it as red as her wine, I'll kiss and bite her smug lips while she pusses herself towards me to get all of my length inside her''. I was hard over Cersei before even seen her from close, I took a deep breath and continued climbing the tower's steps.

After four more floors with no soul to be seen I finally reached the top, I gave a look around, the northern window was next to the stairs and not part of her champers, ''It looks like we'll have to exit them to look at the city while we fuck'' I thought. In frond of me there was a half open big heavy wooden door. I made a few steps to get closer and secretly looked in, there she was!She was wearing a long black robe with probably nothing under it and was,as always, drinking wine. She took a big sip and let the robe fall on the floor, revealing her bare back and sweet round ass. It was then when I realised how hard I was, it was also then when I realised I had no idea how I'd get her to fuck me.


End file.
